Thursday, February 16, 2012
Confounded life!
So, I've been restless and depressed lately. At 27 years old, with my life paved before me, I have yet to discover who I truly am. I don't fit most stereotypical behaviors of a mother, a wife or a female under the age of 30. I long to be free. Not free of my children or free of my husband (although the occasional break might be nice), I long to be free to explore my horizons. I want to have the resources available to me that would give me the freedom to dig around a bit. I can't choose a major because that's an option that is just too definitive for me. I want to do it all, see it all and be it all...ya know, except the negative stuff. I don't want pain, I don't want STDs, I don't want to be lower class any longer.
But I'm not just talking about money here. Sure, it'd be nice to have millions at my disposal. Even though, the people I know that are having such a good time in their lives aren't millionaires. I want to work hard and be paid in return. I am simple, I think. I don't mind getting my hands dirty, in fact, the dirtier the better! I like aches and pains, it's my body's way of telling me that I earned something, that I truly worked hard. I don't mind the seemingly menial jobs that others avoid, i.e. housekeeper, daycare worker, landscaper. I just want to do something that I am passionate about...I want something that won't bore me to death within a few months.
I just want something.
You are probably saying, 'you're a mother, a wife, your life seems full! Why aren't you more thankful?' Because, this is all I've known in the last 11 years. It's all I know how to be. And I am sure that I am not as good at it as I'd hoped I'd be. I'm lazy and messy and clumsy. I let the kids eat ice cream for breakfast, but only on the weekends, they eat breakfast at school during the week. I call my kids 'punk' and 'dork', they are a part of me, so I know it isn't tearing them up inside. They may have even come to like these nicknames that I so generously bestowed upon them. But my point is, I don't know what my point is. Oh yea, I want to be better. I want to be the best. I want people to beg me for parenting advice, I want people to notice me.
Yes, I like attention. But only the good kind. So, I'm friendly to everyone, I don't step on toes, I take responsibility for any of my wrong-doings...I think I've carved and molded and shaped my personality characteristics so delicately that I forgot to work on anything else about myself.
People say I am smart but the truth is is that I know just enough about random stuff to get by in a conversation with a stranger. I can lure you in, 'come be my friend, notice my witty-ness!' But to hold you here, I have nothing. I'm not even remotely interesting. I like music but I don't really listen to the new kinds of music...I know two songs by Rihanna...who the hell is Ke$ha? Lady Gaga seems completely off her block and I'm really not interested in her Poker Face or her Disco Stick. I'm stuck in my ways, I guess. I go after music that comforted me as a child. Music that I'd stay up all night on Sunday to record the night's top 40's. Any 'new' music that I like just happens to be music from that era that I forgot about or that I didn't hear because I didn't purchase CDs on a regular basis, it's rediscovered vintage.
I don't watch the news because I want to slit my wrists afterwards. I'm incredibly emotional, did you notice? I love to laugh but more often than not, I am crying or angry. I blame a lot of people for my problems. And I am non-confrontational so they'll never know it. I'm terrified that I will die a nothing, a nobody. Which, more than likely, I will.
It tears at me, because I know I'm full of potential...and it's going untapped. There is a force within me that is so strong, a force that can do absolutely anything, if I'd just make a decision about where I want to go.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm being held back...and I don't want to feel that any longer.
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