hmmm...

notice how it isn't raining on the right side of my blog page...?

Confounded life!

  So, I've been restless and depressed lately. At 27 years old, with my life paved before me, I have yet to discover who I truly am. I don't fit most stereotypical behaviors of a mother, a wife or a female under the age of 30. I long to be free. Not free of my children or free of my husband (although the occasional break might be nice), I long to be free to explore my horizons. I want to have the resources available to me that would give me the freedom to dig around a bit. I can't choose a major because that's an option that is just too definitive for me. I want to do it all, see it all and be it all...ya know, except the negative stuff. I don't want pain, I don't want STDs, I don't want to be lower class any longer. 

But I'm not just talking about money here. Sure, it'd be nice to have millions at my disposal. Even though, the people I know that are having such a good time in their lives aren't millionaires. I want to work hard and be paid in return. I am simple, I think. I don't mind getting my hands dirty, in fact, the dirtier the better! I like aches and pains, it's my body's way of telling me that I earned something, that I truly worked hard. I don't mind the seemingly menial jobs that others avoid, i.e. housekeeper, daycare worker, landscaper. I just want to do something that I am passionate about...I want something that won't bore me to death within a few months.

I just want something.

You are probably saying, 'you're a mother, a wife, your life seems full! Why aren't you more thankful?' Because, this is all I've known in the last 11 years. It's all I know how to be. And I am sure that I am not as good at it as I'd hoped I'd be. I'm lazy and messy and clumsy. I let the kids eat ice cream for breakfast, but only on the weekends, they eat breakfast at school during the week. I call my kids 'punk' and 'dork', they are a part of me, so I know it isn't tearing them up inside. They may have even come to like these nicknames that I so generously bestowed upon them. But my point is, I don't know what my point is. Oh yea, I want to be better. I want to be the best. I want people to beg me for parenting advice, I want people to notice me.

Yes, I like attention. But only the good kind. So, I'm friendly to everyone, I don't step on toes, I take responsibility for any of my wrong-doings...I think I've carved and molded and shaped my personality characteristics so delicately that I forgot to work on anything else about myself. 

People say I am smart but the truth is is that I know just enough about random stuff to get by in a conversation with a stranger. I can lure you in, 'come be my friend, notice my witty-ness!' But to hold you here, I have nothing. I'm not even remotely interesting. I like music but I don't really listen to the new kinds of music...I know two songs by Rihanna...who the hell is Ke$ha? Lady Gaga seems completely off her block and I'm really not interested in her Poker Face or her Disco Stick. I'm stuck in my ways, I guess. I go after music that comforted me as a child. Music that I'd stay up all night on Sunday to record the night's top 40's. Any 'new' music that I like just happens to be music from that era that I forgot about or that I didn't hear because I didn't purchase CDs on a regular basis, it's rediscovered vintage. 

I don't watch the news because I want to slit my wrists afterwards. I'm incredibly emotional, did you notice? I love to laugh but more often than not, I am crying or angry. I blame a lot of people for my problems. And I am non-confrontational so they'll never know it. I'm terrified that I will die a nothing, a nobody. Which, more than likely, I will.

It tears at me, because I know I'm full of potential...and it's going untapped. There is a force within me that is so strong, a force that can do absolutely anything, if I'd just make a decision about where I want to go. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm being held back...and I don't want to feel that any longer. 

So, nothing has been solved by me ranting all my personal baggage on here...but now you know, I'm kinda crazy...but loveable! :D

Dum, dum, dum-dum...

My baby sister is getting married! OMG! We all just got through the fact that she had a steady boyfriend. He's really her FIRST boyfriend and while meeting him during Christmas, he proposed to her. He didn't make a huge show of it, it was kind of already understood before he even got here...it was a little disappointing. She loves big shows of affection and she loves making an ass of herself, dunno where she could have gotten that from...ahem.
So, I guess we weren't asked but we had time on our hands, and the wedding is in a year so optimal planning time is passing us by and my mother and I just could not help ourselves. We basically have everything planned, we just need to pay deposits. For two whole weeks we were both on our laptops, googling pretty things and better prices and free shipping...etc.
Now, I should explain...my sister is in the United States Marine Corps. and so is her man. She is stationed in California for now and he is all the way in Japan. My sister is a tom-boy extraordinaire and completely depends on my mother and I for girly advice. My sisters prom, for example, she laid there like a crash-test dummy while make-up, spanx, dress and shoes were applied, hair was done and all the little details...and she was totally happy with the end result.
While we weren't asked for anything concerning the wedding, considering we are the brides family, planning on paying for most to all of the entire shin-dig and they're both in the military, we figured it was our 'right', 'duty', what-have-you, to go ahead and start planning. We did not just agree to things without the others' approval, groom and bride especially, we figured, we've both been brides, we naturally come more opinionated than the groom and his family. Not this groom and certainly not his family...
I'm not divulging a lot of the drama as I am still trying to wrap my head around it and with my sister being incommunicado for the time being, we don't have our mediator at the moment and won't have her for 29 more days.
But her groom is VERY opinionated, his mother even more so...omg, I don't know how my mother is going to handle it. As for me, I've decided I won't do anything involving her wedding unless otherwise specified. I'm actually taking the easy way out here...it doesn't feel good or familiar in any way and now I'm biting my nails. Precious time is passing here, my sister deserves the best ever and we were just trying to make sure she got it...