Thursday, February 16, 2012
Confounded life!
So, I've been restless and depressed lately. At 27 years old, with my life paved before me, I have yet to discover who I truly am. I don't fit most stereotypical behaviors of a mother, a wife or a female under the age of 30. I long to be free. Not free of my children or free of my husband (although the occasional break might be nice), I long to be free to explore my horizons. I want to have the resources available to me that would give me the freedom to dig around a bit. I can't choose a major because that's an option that is just too definitive for me. I want to do it all, see it all and be it all...ya know, except the negative stuff. I don't want pain, I don't want STDs, I don't want to be lower class any longer.
But I'm not just talking about money here. Sure, it'd be nice to have millions at my disposal. Even though, the people I know that are having such a good time in their lives aren't millionaires. I want to work hard and be paid in return. I am simple, I think. I don't mind getting my hands dirty, in fact, the dirtier the better! I like aches and pains, it's my body's way of telling me that I earned something, that I truly worked hard. I don't mind the seemingly menial jobs that others avoid, i.e. housekeeper, daycare worker, landscaper. I just want to do something that I am passionate about...I want something that won't bore me to death within a few months.
I just want something.
You are probably saying, 'you're a mother, a wife, your life seems full! Why aren't you more thankful?' Because, this is all I've known in the last 11 years. It's all I know how to be. And I am sure that I am not as good at it as I'd hoped I'd be. I'm lazy and messy and clumsy. I let the kids eat ice cream for breakfast, but only on the weekends, they eat breakfast at school during the week. I call my kids 'punk' and 'dork', they are a part of me, so I know it isn't tearing them up inside. They may have even come to like these nicknames that I so generously bestowed upon them. But my point is, I don't know what my point is. Oh yea, I want to be better. I want to be the best. I want people to beg me for parenting advice, I want people to notice me.
Yes, I like attention. But only the good kind. So, I'm friendly to everyone, I don't step on toes, I take responsibility for any of my wrong-doings...I think I've carved and molded and shaped my personality characteristics so delicately that I forgot to work on anything else about myself.
People say I am smart but the truth is is that I know just enough about random stuff to get by in a conversation with a stranger. I can lure you in, 'come be my friend, notice my witty-ness!' But to hold you here, I have nothing. I'm not even remotely interesting. I like music but I don't really listen to the new kinds of music...I know two songs by Rihanna...who the hell is Ke$ha? Lady Gaga seems completely off her block and I'm really not interested in her Poker Face or her Disco Stick. I'm stuck in my ways, I guess. I go after music that comforted me as a child. Music that I'd stay up all night on Sunday to record the night's top 40's. Any 'new' music that I like just happens to be music from that era that I forgot about or that I didn't hear because I didn't purchase CDs on a regular basis, it's rediscovered vintage.
I don't watch the news because I want to slit my wrists afterwards. I'm incredibly emotional, did you notice? I love to laugh but more often than not, I am crying or angry. I blame a lot of people for my problems. And I am non-confrontational so they'll never know it. I'm terrified that I will die a nothing, a nobody. Which, more than likely, I will.
It tears at me, because I know I'm full of potential...and it's going untapped. There is a force within me that is so strong, a force that can do absolutely anything, if I'd just make a decision about where I want to go.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm being held back...and I don't want to feel that any longer.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Dum, dum, dum-dum...
My baby sister is getting married! OMG! We all just got through the fact that she had a steady boyfriend. He's really her FIRST boyfriend and while meeting him during Christmas, he proposed to her. He didn't make a huge show of it, it was kind of already understood before he even got here...it was a little disappointing. She loves big shows of affection and she loves making an ass of herself, dunno where she could have gotten that from...ahem.
So, I guess we weren't asked but we had time on our hands, and the wedding is in a year so optimal planning time is passing us by and my mother and I just could not help ourselves. We basically have everything planned, we just need to pay deposits. For two whole weeks we were both on our laptops, googling pretty things and better prices and free shipping...etc.
Now, I should explain...my sister is in the United States Marine Corps. and so is her man. She is stationed in California for now and he is all the way in Japan. My sister is a tom-boy extraordinaire and completely depends on my mother and I for girly advice. My sisters prom, for example, she laid there like a crash-test dummy while make-up, spanx, dress and shoes were applied, hair was done and all the little details...and she was totally happy with the end result.
While we weren't asked for anything concerning the wedding, considering we are the brides family, planning on paying for most to all of the entire shin-dig and they're both in the military, we figured it was our 'right', 'duty', what-have-you, to go ahead and start planning. We did not just agree to things without the others' approval, groom and bride especially, we figured, we've both been brides, we naturally come more opinionated than the groom and his family. Not this groom and certainly not his family...
I'm not divulging a lot of the drama as I am still trying to wrap my head around it and with my sister being incommunicado for the time being, we don't have our mediator at the moment and won't have her for 29 more days.
But her groom is VERY opinionated, his mother even more so...omg, I don't know how my mother is going to handle it. As for me, I've decided I won't do anything involving her wedding unless otherwise specified. I'm actually taking the easy way out here...it doesn't feel good or familiar in any way and now I'm biting my nails. Precious time is passing here, my sister deserves the best ever and we were just trying to make sure she got it...
So, I guess we weren't asked but we had time on our hands, and the wedding is in a year so optimal planning time is passing us by and my mother and I just could not help ourselves. We basically have everything planned, we just need to pay deposits. For two whole weeks we were both on our laptops, googling pretty things and better prices and free shipping...etc.
Now, I should explain...my sister is in the United States Marine Corps. and so is her man. She is stationed in California for now and he is all the way in Japan. My sister is a tom-boy extraordinaire and completely depends on my mother and I for girly advice. My sisters prom, for example, she laid there like a crash-test dummy while make-up, spanx, dress and shoes were applied, hair was done and all the little details...and she was totally happy with the end result.
While we weren't asked for anything concerning the wedding, considering we are the brides family, planning on paying for most to all of the entire shin-dig and they're both in the military, we figured it was our 'right', 'duty', what-have-you, to go ahead and start planning. We did not just agree to things without the others' approval, groom and bride especially, we figured, we've both been brides, we naturally come more opinionated than the groom and his family. Not this groom and certainly not his family...
I'm not divulging a lot of the drama as I am still trying to wrap my head around it and with my sister being incommunicado for the time being, we don't have our mediator at the moment and won't have her for 29 more days.
But her groom is VERY opinionated, his mother even more so...omg, I don't know how my mother is going to handle it. As for me, I've decided I won't do anything involving her wedding unless otherwise specified. I'm actually taking the easy way out here...it doesn't feel good or familiar in any way and now I'm biting my nails. Precious time is passing here, my sister deserves the best ever and we were just trying to make sure she got it...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Gram's is on her way....yay...
I don't hate my mother, honest. I love her, but at a distance. She has a wonderful personality and has even been known to over throw me and steal my friends...when I was in elementary school even. She's always been the cool mom, in other's minds. In my mind, she's bossy and loud and is not used to not getting her way at all.
She was a single mother of two girls. (Me and my ever-so-wonderful sister, that wasn't sarcasm, I mean it...I friggin ADORE my baby sister.) So, yes, she had to work. Mainly demeaning jobs that held no future, or no pay for that matter. Long hours and no money usually equals unhappy kids. But really, I was a happy child. I easily made friends where ever we moved, I delighted in the little things so money wasn't something that was ever on my mind. I wasn't the kid embarrassed by my mother and still hugged her goodbye in front of my school, the movies, the skating rink, etc. Even during my treacherous teenage years, I was delighted that my friends knew my mom and were all welcome in our house...she made it like a big happy family. And even, after the initial shock, at learning she would be a grandparent in her mid-thirties wore off, she was cool. And now she is Grams. Super Grams.
She'll be here tomorrow...and I pray she doesn't want to stay long. See we've had a few bumps in our road. Some very high and round speed bumps in our relationship. I don't know when it started, how or why it continues...I think it has something to do with the following reasons: 1) She is so damned stubborn and 2) I am just like her... Whatever the reasons...I wish it weren't this tumultuous. My sister and my mother are best friends and yes, I do get jealous. I want that.
My sister...we'll call her 'Devil Dog' (she's a United States Marine) and my mother (Grams) can talk about anything. Even my sister's wildly inappropriate jokes about vaginas and such, my mother finds divine. Oh, I do too, don't get me wrong. Wait a darn minute, I'm starting to sound like I have a stick in my ass...well, I don't, I swear...contrary to what my dear husband says, there is no stick up there, I've checked.
I really think, I've got a wall up. It's hard for me to make lasting, meaningful relationships.
Every relationship I have is because the people I have them with are just as lost or weird as I am and it works. When I try to befriend 'normal' people, I really think I scare them. I turn into the nervous 'girlfriend' wondering where is our relationship headed. And people do not want to be confronted with that question. Yes, I'm married, he's a great guy, most of the time. He's hot, that was my initial reaction to him, that's why I flirted so brazenly with him and sometimes I think it's why I'm still with him. (Just kidding, honey!) And, yes, I have friends from all over, almost every place I've ever lived and thanks to Facebook, I talk to them now on an hourly basis. But creating new relationships has got to be one of the biggest challenges in my life. Maintaining them as well.
My mother and I can fight, now. We can yell and say horrible things to one another, none of which ever gets taken back or apologized for. We've thrown shit, including fists, threatened, lied, cried and stormed out. We are also a very affectionate kind of crazy, we are all big huggers and cryers. My mother knows me better than anyone in the world. She knows the, sometimes, insane thoughts that run through my head. She was super supportive when I was 13 and decided I was psychic, I had just discovered common sense, and tried to help me nurture it. But still, there is a wall there.
As an adult and a parent and a woman nearing her thirties, I find things all the time that I remember my mother complaining about or just mentioning. I better understand her now, well, some times. Especially when it comes to working long hours with little pay at crap jobs that mean the world to the well-being of your children. My mother did teach me that work is exactly what it sounds like. And even though this job may not lead me anywhere with a future, it's worth doing while I'm doing it so do my best. And some morals, I am still sifting through.
I really think that one of the reasons we don't get along is because she hates my husband...literally, hates him, and his family. She doesn't think she should try to be civil because, in all honesty, they don't. But she should have learned from her mother, like I did, to kill them with kindness.
I think, also, that we haven't had the same type of journeys in our lives so we've walked away with different lessons ringing in our ears...and for whatever reason, they all clash. We don't argue over politics, we both feel the same way about them...we don't fight over money, neither of us has any. We fight over the past. I'm starting to feel a little less passionate about my arguments towards my mother than I did just two years ago. I, being the product of a broken home, felt like a slave, a nanny, a housekeeper, an alarm clock...a teacher. I didn't understand why I had to do all of this stuff and couldn't be a carefree teenaged girl like the rest of my friends. I understand now, mom. And in all honesty, I am grateful. Because of the work ethic you instilled in me, I never have and never will have to lean on anyone else.
I'm bending my walls, let's see how far they'll go before they come crashing down. Because of you, I know, that I must work toward the things that I want...and I want us to be what you want us to be, so let's work toward a brighter and better relationship. I love you mom, can't wait to see you, you are only staying a week, right?
She was a single mother of two girls. (Me and my ever-so-wonderful sister, that wasn't sarcasm, I mean it...I friggin ADORE my baby sister.) So, yes, she had to work. Mainly demeaning jobs that held no future, or no pay for that matter. Long hours and no money usually equals unhappy kids. But really, I was a happy child. I easily made friends where ever we moved, I delighted in the little things so money wasn't something that was ever on my mind. I wasn't the kid embarrassed by my mother and still hugged her goodbye in front of my school, the movies, the skating rink, etc. Even during my treacherous teenage years, I was delighted that my friends knew my mom and were all welcome in our house...she made it like a big happy family. And even, after the initial shock, at learning she would be a grandparent in her mid-thirties wore off, she was cool. And now she is Grams. Super Grams.
She'll be here tomorrow...and I pray she doesn't want to stay long. See we've had a few bumps in our road. Some very high and round speed bumps in our relationship. I don't know when it started, how or why it continues...I think it has something to do with the following reasons: 1) She is so damned stubborn and 2) I am just like her... Whatever the reasons...I wish it weren't this tumultuous. My sister and my mother are best friends and yes, I do get jealous. I want that.
My sister...we'll call her 'Devil Dog' (she's a United States Marine) and my mother (Grams) can talk about anything. Even my sister's wildly inappropriate jokes about vaginas and such, my mother finds divine. Oh, I do too, don't get me wrong. Wait a darn minute, I'm starting to sound like I have a stick in my ass...well, I don't, I swear...contrary to what my dear husband says, there is no stick up there, I've checked.
I really think, I've got a wall up. It's hard for me to make lasting, meaningful relationships.
Every relationship I have is because the people I have them with are just as lost or weird as I am and it works. When I try to befriend 'normal' people, I really think I scare them. I turn into the nervous 'girlfriend' wondering where is our relationship headed. And people do not want to be confronted with that question. Yes, I'm married, he's a great guy, most of the time. He's hot, that was my initial reaction to him, that's why I flirted so brazenly with him and sometimes I think it's why I'm still with him. (Just kidding, honey!) And, yes, I have friends from all over, almost every place I've ever lived and thanks to Facebook, I talk to them now on an hourly basis. But creating new relationships has got to be one of the biggest challenges in my life. Maintaining them as well.
My mother and I can fight, now. We can yell and say horrible things to one another, none of which ever gets taken back or apologized for. We've thrown shit, including fists, threatened, lied, cried and stormed out. We are also a very affectionate kind of crazy, we are all big huggers and cryers. My mother knows me better than anyone in the world. She knows the, sometimes, insane thoughts that run through my head. She was super supportive when I was 13 and decided I was psychic, I had just discovered common sense, and tried to help me nurture it. But still, there is a wall there.
As an adult and a parent and a woman nearing her thirties, I find things all the time that I remember my mother complaining about or just mentioning. I better understand her now, well, some times. Especially when it comes to working long hours with little pay at crap jobs that mean the world to the well-being of your children. My mother did teach me that work is exactly what it sounds like. And even though this job may not lead me anywhere with a future, it's worth doing while I'm doing it so do my best. And some morals, I am still sifting through.
I really think that one of the reasons we don't get along is because she hates my husband...literally, hates him, and his family. She doesn't think she should try to be civil because, in all honesty, they don't. But she should have learned from her mother, like I did, to kill them with kindness.
I think, also, that we haven't had the same type of journeys in our lives so we've walked away with different lessons ringing in our ears...and for whatever reason, they all clash. We don't argue over politics, we both feel the same way about them...we don't fight over money, neither of us has any. We fight over the past. I'm starting to feel a little less passionate about my arguments towards my mother than I did just two years ago. I, being the product of a broken home, felt like a slave, a nanny, a housekeeper, an alarm clock...a teacher. I didn't understand why I had to do all of this stuff and couldn't be a carefree teenaged girl like the rest of my friends. I understand now, mom. And in all honesty, I am grateful. Because of the work ethic you instilled in me, I never have and never will have to lean on anyone else.
I'm bending my walls, let's see how far they'll go before they come crashing down. Because of you, I know, that I must work toward the things that I want...and I want us to be what you want us to be, so let's work toward a brighter and better relationship. I love you mom, can't wait to see you, you are only staying a week, right?
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Fun times on very warm days...
Today was one of the best days in history, for me, because I went swimming with my family. Big deal! I know, right. But the fun that ensues with water on all sides of a family that rarely enjoys eachother any longer is unending. Bursting in flames upon the 111 degree wind that blows in your face isn't pleasant at all but with family it seems a little cooler in the air and that made everything more pleasant than I, or anyone else, was prepared for. Don't ever forget, family is one of the most important things you, or I, will ever know. So let your guard down...and enjoy eachother...don't let it be a lesson in doing it the hard way by not listening to me!
Friday, March 25, 2011
nevermind...
Nevermind that I have a child almost half my age...another lesson in doing it the hard way...but said child is also of the autistic category. We have arguments over the strength of goblins and just what color of yellow corn really is. I know he is just trying to make me forget that I so brutally sentenced him to eat the corn...but I cannot help to keep up with the argument that it really is a sort of sunshine yellow, I mean, hello, it grows in the sunshine!
Anyway, this child recalls events that happened around the time he was a year old...and reminds me because frankly, I have forgotten. He seems to remember the torment that I put upon him whilst weening him from that damned bottle and apparently I am paying for it now.
Said child is around the delicate age of 9, which I have heard termed 'pre-pubescent' but I personally feel this kid is in puberty. I recognize it so well, the eye rolling and heavy sighing when any parent, his or not, says anything within proximity of his hearing. His voice is still high and sweet and his eyes are still so innocent. He's learning the social ladder at school and because of his super power (autism) he could really care less. He is smart beyond his years but doesn't know what an honest days labor can produce. We've named him 'the kid who has no try' because he still seems to think he can use his mind powers to take out the trash. I really miss my sweet, well-behaved, ready to please little ray of sunshine and am really not ready for the dull and dreary but sometimes screamingly dramatic age he is inevitably headed toward. Anyone out there care to medicate him...or me?
Anyway, this child recalls events that happened around the time he was a year old...and reminds me because frankly, I have forgotten. He seems to remember the torment that I put upon him whilst weening him from that damned bottle and apparently I am paying for it now.
Said child is around the delicate age of 9, which I have heard termed 'pre-pubescent' but I personally feel this kid is in puberty. I recognize it so well, the eye rolling and heavy sighing when any parent, his or not, says anything within proximity of his hearing. His voice is still high and sweet and his eyes are still so innocent. He's learning the social ladder at school and because of his super power (autism) he could really care less. He is smart beyond his years but doesn't know what an honest days labor can produce. We've named him 'the kid who has no try' because he still seems to think he can use his mind powers to take out the trash. I really miss my sweet, well-behaved, ready to please little ray of sunshine and am really not ready for the dull and dreary but sometimes screamingly dramatic age he is inevitably headed toward. Anyone out there care to medicate him...or me?
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